Where my millennial peeps at? Remember way back at the turn of the century, when many a boy/girl relationship went through the stage: “Are we friends?” “Are we more?” “Are you just using me for rides to Taco Bell?”

Enter the DTR. (Define The Relationship.)

A DTR is person A, sitting down person B, and asking for clarification on the long-term trajectory; an assessment of the current relationship.

Lots of important things emerge from DTRs. A good one clarifies roles and expectations. Bad ones have ended with one or more parties taking tearful solace in a Dashboard Confessional album.

Here is where I get to the point:

While many partakers of early 2000s DTRs are now long-married, I hereby propose that we collectively bring back the DTR…with our phones.

Hear me out.

Most adults spend five to seven hours or more per day on their phone. (Not including work.)[1]

Even if you only spend three hours per day on your phone, that adds up to forty-five days per year.

The average person will spend about nine years of their life staring at their phone.[2]

These numbers wouldn’t matter if they matched what people wanted for themselves. But most people spend more time on their phones than they wish they did.

Why are we like this?

In his book, Atomic Habits, James Clear observes: “We don’t choose our earliest habits, we imitate them.”

Our digital habits probably look similar to our spouse’s, which likely resemble our social circles, which are close to your favorite Instagram influencer.

Do we like the status quo? If not, let’s fix it.

If we could simply take a moment to define the relationship we want to have with our phones, then we can 1.) give ourselves clarity and 2.) create habits to put phones in their proper places.

What role do we want smartphones to play in our lives?

Convenient tool

Most of us want our phones to serve us as a tool. We buy school supplies, hold library books, text friends, schedule appointments, find recipes, take photos of rapidly-growing children, follow educational or hilarious social media accounts.

Most of us don’t like when our phones make us feel like the tool, attentionally enslaved to dings and pings; another auto-played episode, a mechanism for unhealthy comparison, robbing us of connection with our kids.

How do you assess if your phone is a tool—or if it is turning you into one?

Take this free quiz: Is Your Phone Using You?

At the end of the short quiz, you’ll find helpful tips for keeping tech in check. (For residents of the country that borders Poland, Austria, and Germany, these tips will help you keep your…tech in check in Czech.)

But for real.

It’s time to reassess.

Here’s what parents tell me all the time about smartphones and digital media in their homes:

“Most conflicts with my kids involve screen time.”

“I wish my kids were less obsessed with their devices.”

“When my kids approach me while I’m on my phone, I am often short-fused.”

“Admittedly, I could work on my own smartphone habits.”

It’s unrealistic to think we can impart something to our kids that we don’t possess ourselves. Like James Clear reminded us, our kids’ habits around smartphones will most likely mirror our own.

When it comes to our smartphones, most of us want to use—but not binge. We want to create and connect more, and mindlessly consume less. We want the same for our kids. These are good goals.

Developing wisdom and good habits around smartphone usage is an invaluable gift to give our kids.

The good news is that we’re all in the same boat, and we don’t need to stress. We can use what we know to paddle together.

I am hopeful for a new trajectory: where we take personal inventory of our habits—the good and the bad, modeling humility and wisdom for our kids. There’s something worthwhile to pass along.

Do you need a DTR with your phone? Find out here.

You might also like: When Should I Give My Child a Phone? 

You might also like: Why Your Child is Grumpy After Tablet Time

[1] https://www.statista.com/statistics/1224510/time-spent-per-day-on-smartphone-us/

[2] https://www.whistleout.com/CellPhones/Guides/5-ways-to-limit-screentime-at-bedtime#screentime