“Mom? When can I have my own phone?”

Your fifth grader is the only child in her class without a smartphone. You’ve held out for three years, but the pressure is mounting. You want to cave. She’s a responsible kid. But do you really want to buy her a time-wasting device?

Your seventh-grade son has been requesting an iPhone for years. Next month is his birthday. Part of you wants to give him the phone, but you have qualms. Apps and games will pull him away from family time…plus there’s the unlimited access to pornography…No, thanks!

Welcome to modern parenting, where “When should I give my kid a phone?!” is THE question.

Here’s the cold, hard truth:

Kids today are at the forefront of the worst mental health crisis in decades. According to an article in The Atlantic, much of this crisis can be blamed on the rise of the smartphone.[1]

Kids today spend one hour less per day hanging out with friends in person than their parents did as kids.[2]

Drawing from four surveys of 11 million people, Dr. Jean Twenge has noted that in-person social interaction has declined dramatically over the last few decades. In Twenge’s book, she shares this candid quote from a 13-year old girl, “We didn’t have a choice to know any life without iPads or iPhones. I think we like our phones more than we like actual people.” [3]

The average age at which kids first view pornography (often accidentally,) is now 11.[4]

Know better, do better.

When it comes to technology, some parents fear that they’ve allowed “too much, too soon,” over the last decade. It’s hard to cast blame for doing the best you could with the available information at the time.

But now we know better.

We have watched the first generation of young people grow up with a phone as a third arm.

The data is clear: excessive time spent on a smartphone harms kids.

Still, I’ve yet to meet a parent who wants to go full-Amish.

We like movies.

We like Instagram.

We like banking from our phones, learning gardening hacks, Amazon 2-day delivery.

Most parents don’t want to ban all technology forever. They just want their kids to develop a healthy relationship with it. We want our kids to learn how to use, but not binge. To connect and create more than they consume.

But it turns out that giving kids unfettered access to the internet while brains are in critical development periods is not helping our kids. It’s harming them.

Protect childhood.

When we were kids, media programming had a ratings system. Inappropriate content was simply not available to kids. Today, when parents hand a child a phone with internet access—POOF! That rating system is gone. Parents must become the new rating system. If you aren’t ready to vet every video or TikTok that an algorithm chooses to put in front of your pre-adolescent child, then your child is not ready for a smartphone.

Wait Until at Least 8th Grade Before You Give Your Child a Smartphone.

I join tech experts, teachers, psychologists, and pediatricians in recommending parents wait until at least 8th grade to give their children smartphones. For more on why, check out Wait Until 8th, click here.

There are plenty of ways to allow your child to experience the benefits a smartphone offers, while protecting them from the harmful aspects.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that all kids will be ready for a smartphone in 8th grade. But setting that as a minimum can be helpful for parents.

Beyond that, use your parental powers of observation and discernment! Nobody knows your child better than you. One eighth grader is ready for a smartphone. A different ninth grader isn’t. Only you can decide.

So What Do I Do When My Kid Asks for a Phone?

Here’s how to navigate this request from your child, without setting yourself up for regret.

1. Identify the specific reasons your child wants a phone.
2. Then find ways to meet the reasonable requests. (Without handing over unfettered internet access to your elementary-aged child.)

This isn’t as hard as it sounds.

Here’s how we accomplished this in our house:

Child: “Mom? Can I have a phone?”

Mom: “I can understand why you want one, they are fun and convenient…Let’s talk with dad about that together tonight. Before then, why don’t you write us a letter to collect your thoughts. Explain to us:

Why do you want a phone?

What do you think the rules should be about your phone?

How much time per day would you spend on your phone?

What apps do you want/not want?

Who will pay for the phone?

Any potential dangers in you getting a phone?

Have you ever felt ignored by friends who were hanging out with you, but not paying attention to you because they were on their phones?

How would you avoid becoming like that?”

Her letter was well-written and compelling. My husband and I listened attentively. Afterward, we called attention to the great points she made.

This conversation helped us to avoid frustration by productively identifying specific needs.

Here’s what those expressed needs were:

Group texts.

If your child is the only one in the class without a phone, they may be the only child left out of a group text. Being left out stinks!

Connecting with kids in her class.

This isn’t new, of course. I can’t count the hours spent with a phone tucked between my ear and my shoulder during my 6th, 7th and 8th grade years. Parents should help cultivate connections with our kids and their friends. In-person is best, but FaceTime and texting can be great tools for connection.

Understanding trends on social media that kids discuss at school.

Some social media trends are hilarious and fun. Social media at its best can create a space for shared culture. I love sending memes to my husband and sisters almost daily. I also want my daughter to be able to enjoy this.

Music.

How many afternoons in 1997 did I dramatically croon “Don’t Speak,” while Gwen blasted from my boom box? One zillion. Bet you did the same. Music is a tween rite of passage!

Here’s how you can address these desires, while saying “not yet” to a phone:

When your child is ready for an Apple ID, set one up for them.

Allow them to partake in text messaging in the kitchen or in another common area, on the computer. We allocate about 15-20 minutes per day for checking and responding to texts. This works great in our house and for our situation. Your kids/life might require more or less.

I don’t read every text that comes through, (although I’m sure those emoji stacks are riveting). But keeping the messaging in a public place gives kids accountability to know that an adult could walk by and read a message at any time.

Be willing to host or drive kids to hangouts.

Incentivize in-person hanging out. Offer to drive. Host the kids at your house, make snacks.

Vet content for your kids.

Edifying and hilarious entertainment and education is available at the tap of a screen. Of course, the internet is also a dumpster fire. Help your older elementary-aged kids to appreciate the fun parts of culture, without worrying about them accidentally landing on explicit content. Parents should have TikTok. Watch some videos and save the ones you think your child would enjoy. Then, enjoy them together! We’ve made recipes from TikTok, quoted hilarious videos, and even memorized dances together.

When We Are Ready, What Phone Should I Get My Kid?

As mom and dad, YOU get to decide when your child gets a phone. When you decide that getting one is beneficial for your child and family, start with a non-smart phone.

Here are a few options for phones that allow calls/texts, but not unfettered access to the dumpster fire we call the internet:

Gabb Phone: This looks just like a smartphone, but has no internet, apps, or games. It is for calls, texts, music.

The Light Phone. This phone is just that: a phone. It has a Kindle-feel and doesn’t emit blue light. From the Light Phone website: “Light was born as an alternative to the tech monopolies that are fighting more and more aggressively for our time & attention…Technology intentionally designed to be used as little as possible. Things that serve you, not the other way around.”

Beyond the Dumb Phone

As our kids approach adulthood, we are wise to give them access and freedom to the tools out there in the real world. By the time my teens are juniors and seniors in high school, they will have the option to have a smartphone. We want to allow our kids to make mistakes under our roof before they’re out on their own.

But that’s for older kids. (No hard and fast rule, but I consider high schoolers to be “older kids” here.) There’s no reason to hand our youngest kids a smartphone before they are ready.

As mom and dad, you’ve been divinely appointed to help your kids navigate this world, with its pleasures and hazards alike. Mistakes are inevitable, but we don’t have to stress. We are all in this boat. Just remember: you decide when your child gets a phone.

Also, I encourage you to check out Wait Until 8th, which offers great resources and information for families navigating the phone/smartphone decision.

You’ve got this!

You might also like…Why Your Child is Grumpy After Tablet Time

[1] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-the-smartphone-destroyed-a-generation/534198/

[2] Dr. Jean Twenge, iGen

[3] ibid

[4] https://www.netnanny.com/blog/the-detrimental-effects-of-pornography-on-small-children/